Now then! I’m back here writing as it can be quite the therapeutic experience – that’s right, talking about my depression and the dark things that come along with it…therapeutic!
So I’m writing (as I await my ECG scan at the local mental health services) today as I prepare to return to work after a few weeks off (4 fucking months!!) Now, why has it been so long ? I don’t hear you ask again.
Well, and things might take a turn for the dark here – so a bit of a trigger warning. MATTHEW IS ABOUT TO GO DARK MODE WARNING.
So, one thing that always resonates/comes to mind/can’t think of the word when I’ve spent the day/night of killing myself is walking out the door to work afterwards. I’ve just spent the last few hours thinking of what I’m going to do and how I’m going to do it – I won’t go into details, but do you know when you’re making a decision and it’s a ‘fuck it’ decision – you know, I will go get some chocolate/I will make that team selection on football manager/I will go for a poo now before I get comfy. I’m fighting and I mean really fighting that ‘fuck it’ decision for hours (usually in the middle of the night) but the decision is – shall I kill myself!?
And this is where the walking out the door to work thing comes into play – I distinctly remember locking the door behind me and thinking – what is the point ?
What is the point ? And this is where I normally resort to hiding in my bed not wanting to see to outside world – I’ve just spent the last so many hours thinking about death and I’m meant to carry on with life as normal!? Fuck that – you’re a better person than I if you can – that is some serious trauma and it needs serious time to recover. So when I think I’ve had a few weeks (4 MONTHS) off to recover from that – I/you/we really need that time. I returned too early before and I just wasn’t ready – this time I’m ready…or am I…no, I am.
Please do know that if you’re having/had troubles with your mental health there is nothing wrong in taking the time you need to recover. You deserve it.
Peace, love and recover.
What?! You want to kill yourself? 