Practicing What I Preach

Now then! Let’s get to the point…. I had a shit night and it’s not because I spent yet another night on a mates sofa (it’s bloody comfy), I had a night of worry/self doubt/ whatever you want to call it.

Now, I know millions of people around the world have proper worries and problems – I won’t even get into the less fortunate who’s lives you can’t even to begin to imagine! But for me, my night wasn’t filled with – how am I gonna pay that bill, I wonder how (insert child’s name) is doing at school. I’d call them nice things to be laid awake worrying about. No, my night was full of contemplation of if being here is a good thing! Oh it was so much fun.

This hasn’t happened to me for 3 weeks or so now but it attacked with a vengeance last night.

Old Matt would now be locked in his room telling my rents I’m fine and just tired.

Now I’m practicing what I preach – out on a magical walk! (just having a little sit in a tranquil spot).

I know it sounds stupidly stupid but I can’t express (or explain) what it does; to me at least.

It gives you that lift/kick up the bum and time for a little think to make a action plan and attack it before it takes over.

I will not sit in bed all day watching It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (I’ll watch a little, like). This is me telling people, yes I had a shit night, that’s ok. I’ve got my tools to fight it and walking, yes a simple walk is a fucking good one. I urge all people who worry about anything (not just death!) to do it. Make time for yourself even if it’s 5 mins to walk your worries out, even if it’s just round the block.

I had a shit night, it’s ok.

Get up, keep going and keep kicking arse.

Have a good day y’all

Peace and love

Well….

Now then. Its been a while since I last posted a blog and truth be told, it’s because I had a massive relapse!

My life has been just weeks of high-highs and ridiculously low-lows and its been fucking shit!

Why?

I was making progress at work. I was making progress in being able to talk to the ex, I was making progress in becoming a ‘proper’ dad to The Moo again. I met a girl (sssshh!). I went away with the rents and The Moo for a week and between all this I had a stay at Field View Crisis Accommodation and generally didn’t want to be here (life). I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again – The brain is a wonderful and complex thing!

So this post is for myself really to get it out there, to give myself a kick up the arse and get back on with trying to help others not to suffer in silence (like I have been).

The thing is, it’s hard, very fucking hard. I feel like a let down, a failure. I’m Matt – reached out, started writing a blog, started to accept the help, started to feel good – then boom “fuck this shit, whats the point?” – “I fucking hate my life, just be better if I wasn’t here”. Now these are bad things to say to yourself and of course it wouldn’t be better if I wasn’t here but its that wonderful brain tricking you again – throw in the bad boy which is Stigma, and the ‘bad’ thoughts consume you – I’ll say it again – it fucking sucks!

When I started this blog I placed 5 copies of Reasons To Stay Alive by Matt Haig around Grimsby with the hope they fell onto the eyes of someone who needed help to realize they are not alone and help is out there. So last Saturday I did the same again and went to Riverhead Coffee (my fave coffee shop) and left one there.

I’m resetting/rebooting myself. I haven’t been looking after myself, which ultimately means I haven’t been helping others and that is what I want to do with my life now. Before writing this post, I applied to be Community Member Representative at Navigo Healthcare. It’s all good sharing my stuff to Twitter and Facebook but I can’t help but feel I’m preaching to the choir at times I want to be out there. I think I need┬áto be out there helping others. It’s what gives me the most drive. So apologies for not looking after myself and not blogging but I’m trying my best to get back on track and start kicking arse again.

Get up, keep going and keep kicking arse

Take care, all the best and have a good day

Peace and love