Now then. Well let’s get straight to the point – today was a bad fucking day! And I mean bad. Tears, telling myself to fuck off, some fucking shitty thoughts, leaving work and yes, for a split second – not wanting to be ‘here’ – oh it was so much fun.
But I reached out and told somebody immediately. Hell, I even posted it on twitter! Old Matt and many, many others would have suffered in silence for days – weeks even, and only said something when their about to do something really fucking stupid.
I cannot even begin to explain the feeling that takes over your body. To me you feel it all in the chest, not in like a heart attack way or anything like that, it’s like a surge. Like I said I can’t explain it.
And what goes on in your head is straight fucked up! Sorry to use that language, but that’s what it is. It consumes you, it consumes your every thought, it eats away at you. Everyone’s ‘it’ is different, unfortunately mines being ‘better off’ dead – Yay! And like I say above, when suffering in silence for that long, with thoughts and feelings so bad you don’t think you’ll ever feel ‘normal’ again, you (or I did) think there was only one way out of the hell that was every minute, of every day, of every week and on and on and on and on – and that way out for me was ‘not being here’. Shit isn’t it (innit)?
So instead of feeling like shit and suffer in silence I told somebody, went home and slept (good way to escape the thoughts) then I got up, kept going and I’ll keep kicking arse. Thank you to everyone who’s helped, still helping, and putting up with all my shit. I will beat this, we will beat this and if we can help others along way, well that’s the cherry on top.
Take care everybody
Peace and love