For Fuck Sake ! 

Now then. Well let’s get straight to the point – today was a bad fucking day! And I mean bad. Tears, telling myself to fuck off, some fucking shitty thoughts, leaving work and yes, for a split second – not wanting to be ‘here’ – oh it was so much fun.

But I reached out and told somebody immediately.  Hell, I even posted it on twitter! Old Matt and many, many others would have suffered in silence for days – weeks even, and only said something when their about to do something really fucking stupid.

I cannot even begin to explain the feeling that takes over your body. To me you feel it all in the chest, not in like a heart attack way or anything like that, it’s like a surge. Like I said I can’t explain it.

And what goes on in your head is straight fucked up! Sorry to use that language, but that’s what it is. It consumes you, it consumes your every thought, it eats away at you. Everyone’s ‘it’ is different, unfortunately mines being ‘better off’ dead – Yay! And like I say above, when suffering in silence for that long, with thoughts and feelings so bad you don’t think you’ll ever feel ‘normal’ again, you (or I did) think there was only one way out of the hell that was every minute, of every day, of every week and on and on and on and on – and that way out for me was ‘not being here’. Shit isn’t it (innit)?

So instead of feeling like shit and suffer in silence I told somebody, went home and slept (good way to escape the thoughts) then I got up, kept going and I’ll keep kicking arse. Thank you to everyone who’s helped, still helping, and putting up with all my shit. I will beat this, we will beat this and if we can help others along way, well that’s the cherry on top.

Take care everybody

Peace and love

Keep Going mk3 

Now then. It’s Sunday morning, hopefully it’s a beaut of a day and it’s nearly been a week since I said “I’m not ok” and I’m happy to report that right now “I’m doing ok”.

That’s because I talk about it and many other things – support from family and friends, mindfulness (of course), been listening to some classic music (as in tunes!), busy at work, and just keeping positive and I go to my first Yoga session today. I know some of you might be thinking “So what, you’re living a normal life, so do I and I don’t bang on about” (think that’s our good old friend, Stigma talking).

It does take hard work at times and I have to keep taking medication too – but it’s what I have to do to keep my head from thinking shit things! (trust me, it’s fucking bullshit) I wish it did all come naturally.

Another thing that gives me such a drive at the minute is my continued use and meeting of people on social media. You’re not alone, we’re not alone, and together we will spread the word that it’s ok not to be ok and fight the stigma. Mental health really does matter.

And on that note…!

I don’t know if you see the little trailer I did for coast to coast challenge? I think it’d be awesome. Hard work but so much fun to be had biking across the country with ya mates, chatting shit on the evenings, moaning all the days while raising awareness on mental health and hopefully raising any money. And I would be honoured if you, yes you, total stranger (if you are one of course) would join or help us along the way. Got a great group of family and friends we’ll greet you with open arms. I. Can. Not. Wait.

Keep getting up, keep going and and keep kicking arse

Take care everybody

Peace and love

Practicing What I Preach (and I’m shitting myself)

Well, as the title suggests and best to be honest “I’m not ok”.

There I said it. Done. Dusted. Ripped off like a plaster.

Now, where the problem arises is that with my saying I’m not ok and letting you all know is…. yes, you’ve guessed it, our good (nobhead) old friend, Stigma.

Now a big one is – is this a cry for help/attention ? Fuck no it isn’t! I wish I didn’t have to tell one person that I’m not doing ‘ok’ never mind for anyone reading this.

But I share this because those who suffer in silence could end up doing stupid things. And I’m not gonna be stupid!

Another Stigma which pops its ugly little head up is – how do you react/treat/talk to me?

Pssst, here’s a little hint (that works for me) treat me as normal. Yes, in the past there would have been some serious stressors that would have sent me on one but at this stage of recovery I’ve built up my Arsenal (#wengerout) of tools and we attack it. I used mindfulness before writing this (you knows it!). I’m telling you so we’re off to a good start in this particular battle.

I was even that bothered about telling y’all I was not even going to send it to my anonymous editor Dr. John Laurence Perry (thanks for all your help, Per. Not only for fantastic editorial skills (gotta keep him sweet) but through all of it from the very beginning x) just so I could suffer in silence and feel like shit a bit longer – ridiculous ain’t it?! I’m scared to tell people I’m not on great form at the minute, I may be putting on a brave face, but yeah I’m not ok. But like I have said before – it’s ok not to be ok….. ok! Others who suffer in silence have gone on to hurt themselves. What else do I preach – Talk, talk and talk some more… so I’m talking, well I’m babbling really.

So on that note I’ll get on with getting on, I’ve got a lot going on too – I’ve totally ignored the last episode of Iron Fist and it’s late enough as it is but I’ll have to watch it before going to sleep ! (What’s the betting I fell asleep 2 minutes in?!).

Why will I fall asleep? Not only because it’s stupid o’clock and I’m really not looking forward to the Moo alarm going off in the morning. We all love our kids to bits obviously but we sure all have that day when you just wanna lay there for a bit (I hope it’s not just me!) but I’ll fall asleep because I’ve told somebody…. well, everybody.

And this current moment I look forward to posting this (it’ll turn to dread yet, don’t you worry about that!).

Ah, brains; they’re fucking interesting ain’t they?! Mine knows just how to set me off whenever it wants but I’m still Matt. Still the same old douche bag so I don’t want anyone to be afraid of setting me off by talking to me. You won’t be able to say anything worse than that fucking brain of mine already does!

We do this for the silent. I know it’s hard but you know the drill if you’re a regular reader – we get up, we keep going, we keep kicking arse (ah, there’s that fucking dread).

I’ve got this, we’ve got this – watch ya back Dread,  you’re my current target!

Have a good day everybody

Peace and love (hope I don’t bottle sharing this)

#soznotsoz

Now then! This is a public service broadcast brought to you, by, Mr. Matthew David Smith.

Right I don’t know if this a rant/getting something off my chest or our good friend old Stigma (I’m going for Stigma! ) but I’m just writing to apologise for all my increased activity on fezzy, twitter and now I’m on instagram! ( mattsmith9934 – catchy, I know !).

So as the title suggests, sorry, but no I’m not really sorry! (Sorry). This is something I am truly passionate about at the same time as making me feel good and keeping me busy, so to the people who read my ‘shit’ and think “for fuck sake, is he still going on about that?” yes, yes I am still going on and it’s only gonna get worse! (Better).

It really does bother me that people are scared to tell others that they don’t feel ok. They feel down or stressed or the ultimate one, they want to kill themselves! But, and I’m not religious bashing here, I’m very much – if it works for you, I’m cool with that!…….. but, you can tell someone you believe in a god and carry on conversation as normal – now, tell someone you’ve got depression and wanted to kill yourself and they’ll slowly step away from you like you’re ‘crazy’ (naughty word) or something, that you can’t function or even that you present a danger to them!

I’m fairly (very) confident I might be aiming too high here but I want mental illness, in all its form, to be as easy to speak to someone as that. So I will continue my sharing on social media, if it hits the eyes of that person who’s not feeling ‘ok’ and it helps them realise they’re not alone and there is help. But you need to tell somebody first (talk, talk and talk some more).

I’ve changed and my outlook on life has changed. I don’t think you’ll understand if you’ve not lived through it but no one deserves to be suffering in silence because they are afraid to tell someone.

Have a good day everybody

Peace and love (sorry)

On My Mark!

Now then! I’ll start in a typically British manner – “ain’t the weather been nice, eh” (well, it has been here in, GY).

I’ve had a fantastic weekend helping some friends moving house, cooking up a storm for some others, and some time down t’allotment! Went down the park to check out what this Yoga thing is all about too.

And as always, with saying all that and with some exciting prospects in the pipeline can anyone guess what’s nagging away the back of my head? …anyone? BING – that’s right, it’s our old friend Stigma – do I not like him!

Fucking, Stigma aye! Still now with all my talking, blogging and sharing I do about my illness it still makes me feel ashamed, scared, and sometimes wishing I wasn’t here – be that dead or just in another part of the world where nobody knows me!

Yeah, thinking shit like that just because of what some people may think about my ‘illness’.

So yeah, right now I’m a little scared and overwhelmed (I’m fighting it, worry not) but fuck them people and fuck you, Stigma. You will not force me back into silence, I will continue this fight for the silent and with the continued help of friends and hopefully new ones along the way we are coming for you, so watch your back.

My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. And I………….. have depression.

Have a good day everybody

Peace and love

 

Mindfulness mk2

Now then! Just a quick update on my Mindfulness course and how I’m taking to it (love it!).

As I say above, or as Mr. Justin Timberlake would say “I’m lovin’ it”. I really do wish I had found it years ago. I’d even say – Is it still compulsory to learn R.E in school? Coz if that’s getting taught, I think this should be!

It may be coming across that I’m getting pulled in by a mystery cult (that’d be sweet!) but seriously I really like the affect it has on my attitude and how to handle the stresses that life throws at you. Sounds stupid I know, and I’ve said it before people will scoff at it but if you’ve been through what I’ve been through, you’ll try anything that could help and this is helping big time. You don’t have to sit there, crossed legged and humming for hours on end. I try and do a quick 3-minute everyday (bet my parents can tell when I have or haven’t) and it really does give me a lift and help me get on with getting on.

It’s not the only thing I do, mind. It’s one of my tools along with the walking, reading, music, everybody’s continued work with me and still a good old favorite of mine…….. sleeping, oh and I best give a shout out to my medication too.

Also another thing that gives me the drive to get better and have the tools to fight it is, well, all of the help and support I’ve had in trying to spread the word about this terrible illness – it’s slightly overwhelming at times – especially at that time of night when laid in bed – you know what I’m talking about! So I use Mindfulness (see how I dropped that in there!). So thank you all so very much, lets keep going. I certainly will keep fighting for the silent and it’s down to you lot for giving me the drive to do so.

Have a good day everybody

Peace and love (Cult Member 0186)

Oh What A Beautiful Morning

Now then ! Week 3 of work and I’m far to full of it for a Monday morning. This is because of the hard work by us trying to spread the word (and I’m sure the weather has something to do with it !)

Keep going, kick the days arse !

I’m on a mission to get the silent to talk so if you’re bored of my blogs…….tough !

Have a good day everybody

peace and love