Courting!

Now then! On this monumental day of Brexit, lets talk about a subject I’ve been afraid to face – break ups, and yes, shock horror, I was a remainer (bit like my marriage really!).

But what do people who tried to kill themselves over divorce do when it comes to wanting to court (love that word) again? Well, I’m gonna try and explain and help with what helped me to come to terms with this.

If you’ve been a regular reader you may well have guessed some shit is going down for me at the minute, and yes, it’s thrown me but also it’s helped me.

Now I know its a heavy subject for a blog and some people may feel uncomfortable reading and talking about it, but……………….death!

I know, I know, the subject is called Courting and I’m mentioning death but bear with me.

I’m not going into details because I do still care for the certain young lady, but thats it now, care. When we split (my call), I went one way with dealing with it and young lady went another. I’d like to think that we both mdmistakes and there’s nothing to be ashamed of with the decisions we made.

But the break up hit me and it hit me hard. We’ve all been through break ups and I wish it was just a break up – been there, done that, didn’t want to kill myself. This was a divorce from the first girl I truly, truly loved and in divorce, your contact with your children disappears too (I have access but who the fuck wants ‘access’)  and I’d never done that before.

The young lady moved on and that meant some douche bag in Moos life. This nearly finished me! (what if she was a Spurs fan? Unacceptable!)  But seriously. I didn’t like it one bit and didn’t want to go on with life because I felt like I’d been replaced………. of course I had not.

Now I’m gonna get more honest than I already have been and tell you this; the thought of missing out on everything I’d dreamed of, first everythings for moo, words, school, days out, family holidays, birthdays, boyfreinds, christmas… everything, I even thought “that cunt’s gonna be giving her away if she gets married” (don’t). I thought this coz she moved on so fast it must have truly meant something and they’ll be together forever, and that’s what I wanted. Maybe it was her way of dealing with it? (better than killing yourself I guess (again, don’t)). The young lady just moving on and not wanting to fight the fight that is marriage with me, led me to a bridge and a belt round my neck (separate incidents).

So, how does all this affect me and others, who try said things, when it comes to courting?

Well I guess you’ve got to be ready for a start! That’s right, lock up your daughters or your mothers – to the younger reader!………I’m ready!

Now, this is where the problems start. I have a match.com profile but what am I meant to put?

Hi there, I’m Matt, I’m 35. I like snuggling by roaring fires, walks on the beach, writing ‘I love you’ in the steamy mirror, saving mistreated puppies, giving to charity. Oh and at the end of my last relationship I wanted to kill myself lol (smiley face).

Now I’m on Facebook but only as a aid to spread the word (still think it messes with far to many peoples heads, including mine). I’m getting more and more active on twitter so they’ll be no hiding the fact – who whats to date a 35 old divorcee with a young child who currently lives with his parents and is very open on social media about his battles with depression! Well thats what I think anyways.

This aint no ‘aww feel pity for me someone’ post; it’s a ‘what the fuck do I do now?’ post.

How do I approach it? What should I do with my match.com profile?

Yes, I am kinda asking for help and advice on this, so please say something if you’d like!

Hell, I’ll start my own site! wishyoudratherbedeadthanonmatch.com! I know I approach a lot of this with humour but who doesn’t want to find that someone to share this fucking hard work at times, but ultimately wonderful life with?

Right now a lot of positive things are happening to me, you might even see change in me! So I’m going to continue riding this wave and as I’ll keep emphasising (and I need to for myself too), I wont give up – I’ll keep fighting till the silent join me and I’ll cross the courting bridge when it happens.

Have a good day everybody

Peace and love

 

 

 

 

 

 

Duh, duh, duuh 

Now then! Well, I’ve had an interesting week. I’ve had some cracking responses to the blog and got some exciting projects on the cards. Thank you all for sharing this, you could well have saved a life.

In true soap/drama form, writers introduce a big fuck off stressor of all stressors – to plunge the “everything is going well for this character” story arc into a blunt stop….. let’s kill ’em off!

But ah-ha, this ain’t no soap story, this is (I hate to say sometimes) my life. And like I’ve said before, I’ve developed the tools to fight back now. I’m actually a little thrown about how well I’m dealing with said stressor, I’m waiting for the dread, the fear!

But I’m knocking them for 6 (well, maybe bouncing just before the boundary).

So as I’m feeling good, I’d like to thank you all again for sharing (how many people have got bored of seeing my ugly mug pop up on their feed?!) so thank you and keep going, as I’ll keep fighting for myself and the ones who suffer in silence – I won’t let my gaurd down!

Have a good day everybody,

Peace and love

Persistence! 

Today has started out in a good way (well I’m happy about it) Since starting back at work I’ve been cycling in listening to my music ( Kano – 3 Wheels Ups) was the song of choice today because I’m that gangsta! 

But since biking into work, obviously everybody I work with are lazy bastards because they drive and I like to remind them of this on a daily basis. Getting closer to work I notice that there’s a few cars missing in the car park. “Shit, it’s gonna be a busy one today” was my initial thought. But no, they come in on the push irons and I like to think it’s because of my constant friendly reminders ! 

But I feel this is key to overcoming my bouts of depression- persistence/hard work (by me) joined with the persistence/hard work of others around you. Now, I’m rubbish at taking my medication and if it wasn’t for the persistence of my dad it wouldn’t becoming a natural process of my day. 

What I’m trying to say is – keep going, keep trying it’s not a short or easy journey but I am evidence that with the right tools and hard work, there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

Have a good day everybody 

Peace and love 

The Good Life 

Now then! I’ve been feeling really good recently and celebrated a mates 40th at the weekend… which was nice! (Fast Show, anyone?!).

And I think along with this blog, ‘coming out’, my Mindfulness course, healthy eating (the hardest one!), and my walks, I feel, shall we say “fucking fantastic”. Pardon my French.

And saying all that, we all know what’s coming next…………but….

I’m scared! Not scared that I’ll hurt myself or (cough) kill myself, just that I’ll end up there again and everything is good now there’s still some stresses I ignore but are gonna have to be faced at some point. But with everything I’ve been doing I feel I’m getting closer to take on.

This isn’t a cry for help/attention. I’m all good – sounds strange I know.

My parents go away for a well deserved week-long break from the hard work I’m making retirement for them, and I fear they’d not go, but I’m actually looking forward to a week alone, it’s a good test of moving home. I’ll nail it! To some who think “big whoop” – fuck you! This is a big step for me.

Anyways, I’ve babbled on, but like I say talk, talk and talk some more.

The good life?

(drum roll please) I’ve aquird an allotment. I know, right! I’m loving it, but not as much as my parents, they’ve right taken over – but of course that was my cunning plan all along! But seriously I can’t wait to get stuck in, being outside, making it look nice, grow our own veg with our Moo and cook something up together – cannot wait for that.

So, sorry for going on a bit. Everything is going great, I’ve got my next targets, let’s keep going.

Have a good day everybody,

Peace and love

Mindfulness ? (Damn it! Who typed a question mark on the TelePrompTer) 

Now then! Yesterday, I attended my first Mindfulness session, and I will start with – it certainly wouldn’t be for everyone. And I’m fairly confident that some would scoff at it straight away, but…

I enjoyed it. I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed so I won’t go into all the mumbo jumbo (get a masters from Oxford for that!), but essentially I see it as a way of life and an everyday action you can do to help out when feeling down/anxious/stressed.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a dirty atheist but if I were to blindly follow one of the many thousands of Gods (yes, there’s more than 1!) out there it’d be Buddha and Buddhism. As the saying goes – I’ve got the body of a god, shame it’s Buddha.

Now, it’s not a religion just a way of life/thinking and I’m not gonna be like “peace and love, man” or “make love, not war” but when I left care (I still haven’t spoke about that) I said to my reviewer, who gives me the green light to be released, I feel good now but I am concerned I might go back to where I was (dark place) one day; be it tomorrow, 10yrs, 20yrs…. And I feel for me, using mindfulness on a regular basis can help me cope with the stresses that life throws at ya. It’s like going to the gym, your muscles build up the more you go, in mindfulness your train your brain and the more you do it the stronger it becomes.

So if you or someone you know you feel you could benefit from it, give it a go. What’s the worst that could happen? Yes, during the first meditation session you feel a bit of a douche, but it really does make sense – to me at least.

Peace and love………..man x

It’s ok not to be ok (stolen off Ruby Wax)

As the title suggests it’s ok not to be ok, but why are so many of us (including me) afraid to tell others when we’re ‘feeling blue’?

You may think that because I’m writing this blog and baring my soul to anybody who comes across it (hehe) that it’s easy for me to tell others when I’m having a down day/days/week/month! you get the drift, but it’s not, it’s one of the hardest things to come out and say, especially to my family.

Now as it’s obvious to see, I’m the funny one of the family! The happy- go-lucky, slight fuck-up but I mean well! So to ‘come out’ to them was the hardest and still is now if I’m not feeling it.

Ah, there may be some of you thinking (including mates and family) “So what I have down days but I don’t want to kill myself” and yes, I used to have down days and fix it with a couple of pints or even having a slob day.

But now my down days are a different animal altogether!

But to get back on track; I liken depression, especially suicidal depression the same as sex, death, current politics ! – Taboo topics

But ultimately you just want everybody to think you’re ok so they’re not worrying about you and others just don’t get it full stop. It is hard to say to people “hey, I’m not feeling it today, can you just leave me alone to sleep it off and I’ll soon be reet” And sleep is one of my favourite escaspes; it turns the brain off!

I don’t want to be pussy footed around, fake compassion, routinely checked in on – seems like a strange request but for me, we can feel down for a day or two and that’s ok but we need to tell people so if it goes on longer then they can ‘encourage’ you to get up, get out on them walks and you’ll start feeling better.

I’m sure, even after writing all this, I’ll fail to tell people in the future but please be assured I’m trying my hardest and anybody who is reading this out there, it gets easier, just do me, your family and friends a favour and talk to them or at least quickly tell them and scarper back to your room!

Have a good day everybody

Peace and love

A loved one

Let me begin with – you’re fucking fantastic, one of the best, ney, the best, experiences to happen in my life! We’ve had some good times, we’ve had some bad times (but very many mostly good times) but recently somethings missing and you can feel that too. We’ve been spending WAY too much time together and it’s becoming unhealthy. I love your smarts, your looks, the way you’re not scared to say what you feel. We’ve been together for 11 years but it seems like we’re going round in circles. I’m sorry to say but I think you’re holding me back; you make me stay in, curled up on the sofa just gorming at the goggle-box. I just sit there staring not really paying attention when I could be using my time so much more productively. I’m sorry to say but I think we should start seeing other people, you deserve someone who can give you their full attention and laugh at all your smart jokes. So it pains me to say, Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia, I’m breaking up with you. It may be be cheeky to say but I hope we can still be friends and meet up from time to time xxx 

Now let me explain!!!

 

To start with, yes, I love the programme Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia, more than any other programme……………ever! and I only recently discovered it during my very darkest times and it took me away to a ‘happy place’. It’s just so well written and hilarious………but during the last 2 days, with the aid of being ill (let’s just say I wasn’t replacing my fluids with Lucozade), I’ve sat at my mate’s house, while sleeping on his sofa for the nights just watching it and going to my ‘dark place’. Now, this is not good is it?!

Here I am telling people to talk, talk and talk some more and I resorted to sitting alone having the occasional cry, not eating, not sleeping (but not thinking too dark, may I add and texted a couple of friends), and feeling like shit. I know the signs and it still happened! I’m sorry to use the word, but crazy ain’t it?! I know, and I tell people to talk about when you’re down but I couldn’t do it when it happened to me (my parents noticed!). I’m freaking out a little about returning to work on Monday, and I’ve worked there 10yrs+, and having all my regular clients asking where I’ve been for 5 months! “Oh, you know, I wanted to kill myself” client “ooookkkay” while quickly going on their way (that’s what’s in my head anyway).

So I thought (had a big sigh first of course) “what the fuck are you doing this for Smith?” Luckily the old man text and needed help with something in the garden, so I went and helped him with that, showered and changed, popped to Aldi with me mam (cooking up a storm for said sofa mate) then got to his house and tidied up, started writing this (it’s like a twitter troll; easier behind a keyboard) and guess what?

I feel so much better. I’m quite proud it only lasted 2 days to be honest with you!

Have a good day everybody 

Peace and love

Shall we ???? 

Now then ! Well, I got to my mindfulness thingy and the lady who runs it went home ill for the day! So I’m gonna try and be productive and test the waters with an idea I’ve been working on.
Were all going on a summer holiday! (well, a weekend away)
I keep going on about being outside/walking/at one with nature, if you’d like! (Went on a nice walk this morn with my camera).
So this idea. I think it’d be nice to get away somewhere for the weekend and take in some country walks/nice chat/nice wine (if that’s your bag?) and as a good friend of mine put it, have a ‘digital detox’. But ultimately, I’d love it if total strangers could meet up and talk about anything and know you’re not going through this alone and there’s people out there who understand and want to help.
I’ve emailed a few places and the most positive response is from a place called Boggle Hole, North Yorkshire. 
They have a few vacancies at the beginning of May (this may be a little too soon) but really I’m looking at what kind of numbers I’ll be working with. I’ll organise everything, you’ll need some pennies for accommodation and such (not much – maybe about £35 for a night).  
Please feel free to add any ideas or locations (in the U.K before my brother pipes up).
But most importantly please, please, please share this around. For me, to meet up with a stranger battling depression/mental health problems and for them to take the brave step to do same would make me a very happy chappy indeed.
Peace and love everybody. C’mon lets do this #talktalkandtalksomemore

Whoa, dude (said like snake from The Simpson)

Now then! Today I start a 5-week Mindfulness course http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/mindfulness.aspx, at Open Minds, Grimsby.
I am willing to try anything out that has a chance of helping me with my battles. This wasn’t always the case. If you’d have asked me 6 months ago I’d have thought “fuck that” nothing would’ve made me think anything other than negative thoughts. I was deep in depression and nothing would have made me think there was a way out – but here we are now and I look forward to see what can aid me with my recovery. And the hippy inside me (hehe) can’t wait! I’ve also been asked if I wouldn’t mind joining a friend at Yoga (again my hippy side is saying, hell yeah) – I can’t wait to get my ‘dad bod’ squeezed into some lycra! 
Its not just activities like this that I’m trying out, i’ve been banging on about this reading lark making you feel better, but it really does. Only really started proper reading in October/November time but I’ve hit it hard and I’m disappointed I didn’t start earlier in life. 
I love cooking (and eating!) but I go along with the “everything tastes better with butter and bacon” philosophy. But im trying to eat healthier (yes, mother this is healthy for me before you say anything). 
Basically I’m going for healthy body, healthy mind. It may not be for everyone, but I need to try things out and see what works for me.
Have a good day
Peace and love

Oh, and……….

It’s a beaut of a day here in the mighty GY ! 

I’ve been for my walk and listened to my banging tunes !! (Bob Marley today as the sun is shining) 

Now time for a coffee (hot chocolate for Moo) with my parents, then onto Captains Cove. 

Have a good day everybody, get up and get out there ! (Easier said than done)

Peace and love x