Self Love

Now then! A month or so ago I was tagged by Angela (@_unapologetica) for a Self Love post and in that month or so I’ve been up, down, left, right – basically all over the place but the last week or so I’ve settled and felt the best I have for a long time (shout out to my new meds). Not normally one to be involved in a tagged post but seen as it’s for Angela and she has been so supportive towards me and many others, it’s the least I can do….so here goes

1. What is the one thing getting you down at the moment?

Erm….. nothing at the moment I’d say. Next question!!

I may say nothing at the minute but it’s more like nothing I’m not handling. This weird feeling has been hovering over me for the last week or so – happiness! and its fucking fantastic, scary at times. Seemingly waiting for the impending doom but I’m getting on with getting on and all is good. Said goodbye to my Moo (daughter) yesterday as she goes back to her Mums and that would’ve normally sent me into a downward spiral. But like I say – I’m handling it

What is something that makes you happy?

Now I could cliche this up and say my Moo and leave it there. This is not to say she doesn’t make me happy. When I have my Moo, it’s the happiest parts of the week and I love her more than anything in the world – but shouldn’t that me the automatic case? (says the man who tried to kill himself and never see her again) I was very ill then.

I truly know I’m happy when I’m in the kitchen, music on and cooking up a storm – preferably with friends, wine and talking shit.

Name 3 guilty pleasures

  1. Watching any and all documentaries about different civilisations of the past be it Aztec, Incan, Egyptian, Romans, Viking, etc ( Vikings are my faves and maybe not a civilisation, but!). I’m fascinated by how they achieved what they achieved and all the Gods, beliefs and rituals and such
  2.  Archaeology – more of the same as above really but to be able to find things thousands of years old buried away and be able to bring it life and tell how these people lived. I hate the thought of all the tomb raiding that went on in Egypt, Mexico, Peru, all over the world. Oh, to be a early explorer too. Can you imagine leaving England and landing in these wonderful and mysterious lands around the world without any clue what could be there
  3. Rom – coms. Some favourites – 2 Weeks Notice, Pretty Woman, While You Were Sleeping, You’ve Got Mail and many more but going off the top of my head and in usual style when you have to think of something my mind goes blank

What one thing would you like to improve about yourself ?

I suppose the beauty of this question is that as a 36 year old, I’m pretty set with my physical appearance so I’d not change anything about that but definitely want to improve my self confidence around new people/strangers. I’m an awkward little so and so in new surroundings because I talk a lot of shit to my mates and I worry to new people I’ll come across a bit weird!

When was the last time you belly laughed?

Just the other night I was sat with a girl (eewww) a couple of bottles of wine and…..Naked Attraction. Now I’d normally avoid these kind of shows and generally T.V at all cost but she promised me i’d enjoy it and I did! And I’m not saying we sat there laughing at the peoples bodies it was more some of the characters on the show and the way the host joined in with the fun. Yeah, enjoyed it and had a right laugh

What is your biggest insecurity/fear?

I didn’t write these questions so is it insecurity or fear?! Biggest fear – deep open sea water! Who the fuck knows what’s down there !!! So much undiscovered things in the ocean. Nope, nope, nope….nope

Biggest insecurity? Not meeting/reaching expectations I guess. I’m 36 – am I living the life I thought i would be by this age? hell no. Story of my life really, I should have done better and people most probably thought I would have done better. I fucked up and I’m trying my best to rectify that

Name a song that always cheers you up

Biz Markie – Just A Friend

There’s no story really to why this song makes me happy but it goes on nearly every playlist I make and I sing it at the top of my voice and if I’m out on a walk i have to hold it in ! The video is amazing and the skit at the start of it is amazingly late 80’s/early 90’s Its got a piano, a nice little beat and I just love it. Always guarantees to bring a smile to face. Give it listen see if it can you too

Name 3 things you like about yourself 

  1. I like to think I’m a easily approachable kind of guy always got a shoulder or ear for anyone who needs one
  2. I’m fiercely loyal to my mates (caused many a problem with the ex) not in a I’m off out the piss way but I’m a great believer in not leaving friends behind when you get in a relationship – cmon you all know people like that!?  I will drop anything at a moments notice to be there for them if they need me. If you fuck with them, you fuck with me!
  3. My lightheartedness (again, says the guy who wanted to kill himself!) but i will try and cheer up anyone around me anyway I can (uncle nobhead)

What is a achievement that has made you proud of yourself this year ? 

This happened today. I’m running for a Community Representative role at Navigo, a local mental health care organization that I’ve had the misfortune but at the same time being fortunate to use their services its no exaggeration that they helped save my life. So I’ve decided to run for Community Representative because I want to help give back what they did for me and help others in my beloved Great Grimsby ( really is called that !) It goes to vote so today the campaign started and I had to stand up and say why people should vote for me. Now this is something so far out of my comfort zone but if I want to make a difference I’ve got to do things that might be difficult for me but impossible for others. So I stood up, took no notes with me and spoke from my heart. My legs were visibly shaking like mad but what I said seemed to go down well – so that is something I’m very proud of

Tell us your happiest memory

Ohhh me no likey this question ! My happiest memory is my wedding day! My marriage may of gone to shit not very long afterwards but that day and the days after are very fond memories. Anyone reading this planning a wedding, worry not it all goes well on the day, don’t waste needless time worrying about little things no guest will even notice. Enjoy the day and the high you feel for the days afterwards.  And that’s enough of that question, I’m off to listen to Biz Markie

 

Thanks for reading if you got this far and thanks ( I think) to @_unapologetica for the nomination. I’m not gonna tag anyone to do this as its not my style but I can highly recommend giving it a go , it was fun to do trying to write about yourself is hard but you might figure some things out. I did.

Take care, all the best

Peace and love

 

 

 

Practicing What I Preach

Now then! Let’s get to the point…. I had a shit night and it’s not because I spent yet another night on a mates sofa (it’s bloody comfy), I had a night of worry/self doubt/ whatever you want to call it.

Now, I know millions of people around the world have proper worries and problems – I won’t even get into the less fortunate who’s lives you can’t even to begin to imagine! But for me, my night wasn’t filled with – how am I gonna pay that bill, I wonder how (insert child’s name) is doing at school. I’d call them nice things to be laid awake worrying about. No, my night was full of contemplation of if being here is a good thing! Oh it was so much fun.

This hasn’t happened to me for 3 weeks or so now but it attacked with a vengeance last night.

Old Matt would now be locked in his room telling my rents I’m fine and just tired.

Now I’m practicing what I preach – out on a magical walk! (just having a little sit in a tranquil spot).

I know it sounds stupidly stupid but I can’t express (or explain) what it does; to me at least.

It gives you that lift/kick up the bum and time for a little think to make a action plan and attack it before it takes over.

I will not sit in bed all day watching It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (I’ll watch a little, like). This is me telling people, yes I had a shit night, that’s ok. I’ve got my tools to fight it and walking, yes a simple walk is a fucking good one. I urge all people who worry about anything (not just death!) to do it. Make time for yourself even if it’s 5 mins to walk your worries out, even if it’s just round the block.

I had a shit night, it’s ok.

Get up, keep going and keep kicking arse.

Have a good day y’all

Peace and love

Well….

Now then. Its been a while since I last posted a blog and truth be told, it’s because I had a massive relapse!

My life has been just weeks of high-highs and ridiculously low-lows and its been fucking shit!

Why?

I was making progress at work. I was making progress in being able to talk to the ex, I was making progress in becoming a ‘proper’ dad to The Moo again. I met a girl (sssshh!). I went away with the rents and The Moo for a week and between all this I had a stay at Field View Crisis Accommodation and generally didn’t want to be here (life). I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again – The brain is a wonderful and complex thing!

So this post is for myself really to get it out there, to give myself a kick up the arse and get back on with trying to help others not to suffer in silence (like I have been).

The thing is, it’s hard, very fucking hard. I feel like a let down, a failure. I’m Matt – reached out, started writing a blog, started to accept the help, started to feel good – then boom “fuck this shit, whats the point?” – “I fucking hate my life, just be better if I wasn’t here”. Now these are bad things to say to yourself and of course it wouldn’t be better if I wasn’t here but its that wonderful brain tricking you again – throw in the bad boy which is Stigma, and the ‘bad’ thoughts consume you – I’ll say it again – it fucking sucks!

When I started this blog I placed 5 copies of Reasons To Stay Alive by Matt Haig around Grimsby with the hope they fell onto the eyes of someone who needed help to realize they are not alone and help is out there. So last Saturday I did the same again and went to Riverhead Coffee (my fave coffee shop) and left one there.

I’m resetting/rebooting myself. I haven’t been looking after myself, which ultimately means I haven’t been helping others and that is what I want to do with my life now. Before writing this post, I applied to be Community Member Representative at Navigo Healthcare. It’s all good sharing my stuff to Twitter and Facebook but I can’t help but feel I’m preaching to the choir at times I want to be out there. I think I need to be out there helping others. It’s what gives me the most drive. So apologies for not looking after myself and not blogging but I’m trying my best to get back on track and start kicking arse again.

Get up, keep going and keep kicking arse

Take care, all the best and have a good day

Peace and love

#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek

Now then! As you’ll most probably know, it was #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek so I threw myself into it and read a lot of blogs dedicated to it. There are some absolutely fantastic pieces out there, it almost makes it easier to share their stories rather than bore you with mine but I write this as a coping mechanism for me so I’ll keep on sharing with y’all and like I always say; if it falls on the eyes of one person and it helps them, then that’s even better.

One blog caught my eye; it was well written, thought out, made some brilliant points, and I could relate to nearly every post and this blog was written by a 20-year old girl and there’s many more youngsters out there in the MH community too. And that’s the thing with mental illness, it really doesn’t matter if you’re young or old, when hearing their stories you can sometimes remember feeling exactly the same.

I think #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek has been fantastic at bringing mental illness to the forefront of everybody’s mind but I do think mental health awareness should be taught in schools. Some of you may be thinking that’s a bit too far and it’s easy for me to say this but if you haven’t lived through it, it’d be hard to understand. I’ll certainly be talking to Moo about it just so she knows. I may not know what music she’s listening to and I’ll be just boring old dad, but there’s one thing I’ll understand even if she thinks I won’t and that’s her mental health. But that’s because I’m living with it; it’d be nice if we could teach it at a younger age so you don’t have to have lived through it to understand it?

EDUCATION WOULD PROVIDE PEOPLE WITH THE TOOLS TO DEAL WITH CONCERNS WHEN THEY ARISE RATHER THAN HAVING TO FIGURE IT OUT IN THE MIDST OF A PROBLEM. I HAVE A BUGBEAR ABOUT THIS. GIVEN THAT ANY ADULT WOULD SAY THAT HEALTH IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE – WHY THE FUCK DO WE NOT HAVE A SCHOOL SUBJECT “HEALTH”? HOW CAN HISTORY, GEOGRAPHY, BUSINESS STUDIES ETC BE SUBJECTS BUT HEALTH IS NOT?!

Have a good day everybody

Peace and love

Awwww friends MK2

Now then! As the title suggests this is about friends, not my ‘bring it in for the real thing’ friends, they are still all fantastic – that’s if they live far and a wide or in the mighty GY with me. They’ve been there for me from the start and still now, no matter what time of day or night, I know I’ll always be able to get hold of one of ’em (looking at you, Ry x).

No, this is about the mental health community on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram (other social media is available).

I bring this up because some you of you may have seen Mr. Piers Morgan has made some controversial comments regarding mental health (he did, honestly, I’m not making it up. So out of character for him!).

Now, he has every right to say what he likes, as do you and I, but to me someone with such a following and he knows what he’s doing when he makes these comments, but he’s been round the block many a time when it comes to media; didn’t he stop for one second to think how his comment could affect people in very vulnerable positions?

Now, he says he talks openly in private with his children, which is brilliant and I’m sure he’s a very good dad too. But he says celebrities are using it to promote their brand – I really hope that’s not true.

One concern I do have with this current trend with mental health being all over the news; is just that – I fear that’s all it will be. A trend.

And that is why I’m writing this because if it comes to end and starts leaving the average Joe’s head, I know the mental health community on social media will be there, no matter what time of day or night to answer a call (tweet) of somebody in need. And I praise and thank you all for that.

So to all of you out there, be it man or woman, husband or wife, brother or sister, mums or dads we may not actually see each other and like/share or comment on occasional posts, I know we’re all in this together.

I’m new to this blogging lark and maybe made 20 posts on social media before starting my blog and while reading the threads of Mr. Morgan’s comments (not a good idea!) it did make me think; no, it made me feel ashamed, scared and full of self doubt. Am I doing the right thing sharing my life like this? But no, fuck them people and fuck their opinions. I’m not doing this to promote a brand, I’m not doing this for sympathy, I’m doing this because it’s a coping mechanism. It makes me feel good and I think is making me into a better person and you know what ? It might actually help somebody- ever thought of that!? So, fuck you naysayers one more time. Not asking you to read/share/comment on our posts but maybe have a bit of understanding as to why we do it.

One last little shout out to all the people out there who have opened up in private – fucking brilliant. But I’m gonna take a guess that there was a high chance of them being able to do so because they read something on social media. So I’d say it’s a good job we don’t just ‘man-up’.

Have a good day everybody

Peace and love

What a difference a day (well, a few days) makes

Now then. Regular readers (if there are any) will notice it’s 2 blogs posted today. The first one was 5 days ago and boy was it a bad day. But my editor-in-cheif has been poorly so it’s got posted today along with this one.

And this one is a lot more positive.

Yesterday I was at the wedding of the wonderful Mr & Mrs Fuller and was shitting myself with it being where I got married and my first family occasion since ‘coming out’ about my depression. As soon as I stepped in the place I walked out. I could feel ‘it’ building up and then when the photos were taken exactly where mine were I walked off again. Just brief little mindfulness walks to help me attack ‘it’. Now I was a little naughty about this and didn’t talk to anyone about it because it was a wedding and wanted people to have a good time.

But all that worry and anxiety that’s been hovering over me for the last few days was pointless (as it normally is) because this was a family occasion and there I was worried what they’ll think of me but that’s the beauty of family, we might not see each other for years and as I said last night, we might be shit at times but we’ve all got our own lives going on but when you meet up it’s instantly back to chatting and laughing like always.

I exchanged numbers with some of ya and I write this now so you don’t think it’s a drunken “yeah yeah (hic) we’ll (hic) definitely open that bar together (hic)”

I’ve felt shit for a long time and proper, proper shit for albeit a shorter time but still a long time and even after a day on the pop I woke up feeling fantastic this morning (that’s right, on Tuesday I didn’t want to be here and now my drive has gone up again! (The fucking human brain, eh).

Like I just said, my drive is so high not just the drive to help spread to word that it’s ok not to be ok, but my own personal drive for mine and Moo’s life. And for me that’s surround yourself with kind hearted, truly real people you don’t give a flip about what you tried to do but do give a flip (mum bought me a swear jar!) about you.

So this little wannabe hippy is telling all my family and friends take full advantage of me! Because how I feel right now is how I want to feel for the rest of my (hopefully long) life and I will meet up for that coffee, I will pop for that pint, I will help ya with any manual labour chores, and I’ll always be a shoulder to cry on or a ear that’ll listen. If you’ve just read this text a friend or family member meet up, have a chat, have a laugh, damn it even have a cry. It feels so fucking good (money in jar).

Have a good bank holiday weekend everybody and keep kicking arse.

peace

For Fuck Sake ! 

Now then. Well let’s get straight to the point – today was a bad fucking day! And I mean bad. Tears, telling myself to fuck off, some fucking shitty thoughts, leaving work and yes, for a split second – not wanting to be ‘here’ – oh it was so much fun.

But I reached out and told somebody immediately.  Hell, I even posted it on twitter! Old Matt and many, many others would have suffered in silence for days – weeks even, and only said something when their about to do something really fucking stupid.

I cannot even begin to explain the feeling that takes over your body. To me you feel it all in the chest, not in like a heart attack way or anything like that, it’s like a surge. Like I said I can’t explain it.

And what goes on in your head is straight fucked up! Sorry to use that language, but that’s what it is. It consumes you, it consumes your every thought, it eats away at you. Everyone’s ‘it’ is different, unfortunately mines being ‘better off’ dead – Yay! And like I say above, when suffering in silence for that long, with thoughts and feelings so bad you don’t think you’ll ever feel ‘normal’ again, you (or I did) think there was only one way out of the hell that was every minute, of every day, of every week and on and on and on and on – and that way out for me was ‘not being here’. Shit isn’t it (innit)?

So instead of feeling like shit and suffer in silence I told somebody, went home and slept (good way to escape the thoughts) then I got up, kept going and I’ll keep kicking arse. Thank you to everyone who’s helped, still helping, and putting up with all my shit. I will beat this, we will beat this and if we can help others along way, well that’s the cherry on top.

Take care everybody

Peace and love

Keep Going mk3 

Now then. It’s Sunday morning, hopefully it’s a beaut of a day and it’s nearly been a week since I said “I’m not ok” and I’m happy to report that right now “I’m doing ok”.

That’s because I talk about it and many other things – support from family and friends, mindfulness (of course), been listening to some classic music (as in tunes!), busy at work, and just keeping positive and I go to my first Yoga session today. I know some of you might be thinking “So what, you’re living a normal life, so do I and I don’t bang on about” (think that’s our good old friend, Stigma talking).

It does take hard work at times and I have to keep taking medication too – but it’s what I have to do to keep my head from thinking shit things! (trust me, it’s fucking bullshit) I wish it did all come naturally.

Another thing that gives me such a drive at the minute is my continued use and meeting of people on social media. You’re not alone, we’re not alone, and together we will spread the word that it’s ok not to be ok and fight the stigma. Mental health really does matter.

And on that note…!

I don’t know if you see the little trailer I did for coast to coast challenge? I think it’d be awesome. Hard work but so much fun to be had biking across the country with ya mates, chatting shit on the evenings, moaning all the days while raising awareness on mental health and hopefully raising any money. And I would be honoured if you, yes you, total stranger (if you are one of course) would join or help us along the way. Got a great group of family and friends we’ll greet you with open arms. I. Can. Not. Wait.

Keep getting up, keep going and and keep kicking arse

Take care everybody

Peace and love

Practicing What I Preach (and I’m shitting myself)

Well, as the title suggests and best to be honest “I’m not ok”.

There I said it. Done. Dusted. Ripped off like a plaster.

Now, where the problem arises is that with my saying I’m not ok and letting you all know is…. yes, you’ve guessed it, our good (nobhead) old friend, Stigma.

Now a big one is – is this a cry for help/attention ? Fuck no it isn’t! I wish I didn’t have to tell one person that I’m not doing ‘ok’ never mind for anyone reading this.

But I share this because those who suffer in silence could end up doing stupid things. And I’m not gonna be stupid!

Another Stigma which pops its ugly little head up is – how do you react/treat/talk to me?

Pssst, here’s a little hint (that works for me) treat me as normal. Yes, in the past there would have been some serious stressors that would have sent me on one but at this stage of recovery I’ve built up my Arsenal (#wengerout) of tools and we attack it. I used mindfulness before writing this (you knows it!). I’m telling you so we’re off to a good start in this particular battle.

I was even that bothered about telling y’all I was not even going to send it to my anonymous editor Dr. John Laurence Perry (thanks for all your help, Per. Not only for fantastic editorial skills (gotta keep him sweet) but through all of it from the very beginning x) just so I could suffer in silence and feel like shit a bit longer – ridiculous ain’t it?! I’m scared to tell people I’m not on great form at the minute, I may be putting on a brave face, but yeah I’m not ok. But like I have said before – it’s ok not to be ok….. ok! Others who suffer in silence have gone on to hurt themselves. What else do I preach – Talk, talk and talk some more… so I’m talking, well I’m babbling really.

So on that note I’ll get on with getting on, I’ve got a lot going on too – I’ve totally ignored the last episode of Iron Fist and it’s late enough as it is but I’ll have to watch it before going to sleep ! (What’s the betting I fell asleep 2 minutes in?!).

Why will I fall asleep? Not only because it’s stupid o’clock and I’m really not looking forward to the Moo alarm going off in the morning. We all love our kids to bits obviously but we sure all have that day when you just wanna lay there for a bit (I hope it’s not just me!) but I’ll fall asleep because I’ve told somebody…. well, everybody.

And this current moment I look forward to posting this (it’ll turn to dread yet, don’t you worry about that!).

Ah, brains; they’re fucking interesting ain’t they?! Mine knows just how to set me off whenever it wants but I’m still Matt. Still the same old douche bag so I don’t want anyone to be afraid of setting me off by talking to me. You won’t be able to say anything worse than that fucking brain of mine already does!

We do this for the silent. I know it’s hard but you know the drill if you’re a regular reader – we get up, we keep going, we keep kicking arse (ah, there’s that fucking dread).

I’ve got this, we’ve got this – watch ya back Dread,  you’re my current target!

Have a good day everybody

Peace and love (hope I don’t bottle sharing this)

#soznotsoz

Now then! This is a public service broadcast brought to you, by, Mr. Matthew David Smith.

Right I don’t know if this a rant/getting something off my chest or our good friend old Stigma (I’m going for Stigma! ) but I’m just writing to apologise for all my increased activity on fezzy, twitter and now I’m on instagram! ( mattsmith9934 – catchy, I know !).

So as the title suggests, sorry, but no I’m not really sorry! (Sorry). This is something I am truly passionate about at the same time as making me feel good and keeping me busy, so to the people who read my ‘shit’ and think “for fuck sake, is he still going on about that?” yes, yes I am still going on and it’s only gonna get worse! (Better).

It really does bother me that people are scared to tell others that they don’t feel ok. They feel down or stressed or the ultimate one, they want to kill themselves! But, and I’m not religious bashing here, I’m very much – if it works for you, I’m cool with that!…….. but, you can tell someone you believe in a god and carry on conversation as normal – now, tell someone you’ve got depression and wanted to kill yourself and they’ll slowly step away from you like you’re ‘crazy’ (naughty word) or something, that you can’t function or even that you present a danger to them!

I’m fairly (very) confident I might be aiming too high here but I want mental illness, in all its form, to be as easy to speak to someone as that. So I will continue my sharing on social media, if it hits the eyes of that person who’s not feeling ‘ok’ and it helps them realise they’re not alone and there is help. But you need to tell somebody first (talk, talk and talk some more).

I’ve changed and my outlook on life has changed. I don’t think you’ll understand if you’ve not lived through it but no one deserves to be suffering in silence because they are afraid to tell someone.

Have a good day everybody

Peace and love (sorry)