I don’t know! …or do I?

Now then! Let’s get straight into, aye! Today I ignored a call from my local crisis team, I know it’s naughty – they’ve helped me so much over the last year but I didn’t want to speak to anyone and be asked those questions! Because the answer is yes!

Yes, I’ve been having intrusive thoughts and yes I made a little plan!

I don’t know! I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t even know why I’m writing this – to help I guess. But will it help?

Like I said – I don’t know.

I’m going on my walks, I’m practicing the selfcare, yoga, mindfulness, etc. but it always ends up the same. I’m divorced, away from the 2 things I want the most and hate, yes fucking hate the vicous circle my life has become.

Yes, I’ve been there before and come out and everything seems better and brighter… then, boom back again.

This one is a particularly bad one, no denying that, I generally like to look good (believe it or not!) – but my t-shirts are resembling Dave Listers. I keep a bit of a beard – now turning full blown hipster. I like to cook – but now eating a lot of beige, easy food. I wasn’t sleeping – I’m now sleeping for days. And for bathing and whatnot – don’t ask!

I’m sorry if this isn’t the most positive of posts but if we can take one thing from it – if someone close to you is acting differently and don’t seem themselves – ask them direct how they are, invited them out for lunch and have a chat.

I’m losing at the minute – that’s OK.

I needed to write this post so I could write the clichéd but true, you’re not alone, it’s okay not to be ok – to remind myself  that I’ve been there, I’ve come through it, it’s an illness.

Hope you’re well. If not not,that’s OK but tell somebody please. I have.

Take care

Peace and love


One thought on “I don’t know! …or do I?

  1. Hey Matt,

    A problem shared is a problem halved as they say.
    The fact that as you rightly say you can share the thoughts going on and the actualities of reality for your life l think is always a good thing. We cannot always make positive posts, life is always a learning curve, a rollercoaster, but the fact that you have still found the energy to write something is always a good sign.

    Sadly l don’t have the proverbial magic wand to wave over you, or me, or most of society and if we did, the damn thing would never stop moving l feel, and as cliché as it may read, keep your chin up, you/we never know who reads your posts and we never know if in some way we are helping those readers. the facts are simple, everyone’s writing allows a person to see, and read and feel thankful that whatever journey they are undertaking, however their story is panning out – none of us are ever truly alone.



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