Here we go…

Right. Where to start? I’m new to this writing a blog lark so apologies for grammar and spelling mistakes and I might go on a bit but please bear with me. So here I am sitting in my parents living room, laptop open, coffee made, Kano on the playlist, and all intentions in sharing my story with the aim just to reach one person and for that person to reach out and tell someone; be it a friend, a family member, a work colleague, a helpline – just take that step and tell someone. It feels so much better knowing that you’re not the only one going through this, even if it feels like it – and as the wonderful Mr. Matt Haig would say, there is light at the end of the tunnel, it’s just that tunnels blocked at the minute.

And after writing all that, saying to reach out, to talk and you’ll feel better, I’m sat here with so much fear and self-doubt that I’m wondering – do I really want to do this?! This is normally were I reach for my phone and text my inner circle of friends who have been through every step with me along the way (they know who they are) and in all honesty, I don’t know if I’d be here writing this if wasn’t for them. To all my family and friends and Kate (more on that later), I truly apologise for the hell I’ve put you through. Oh great here come the tears – this happens a lot now! I used to keep tissues next to the laptop for different reasons!!

So as I was saying, I’m sat here thinking “do I want to this?” But yes, yes I do, so fuck it and lets rip this off like a plaster so I can move on to other things.

Why did I want to, you know, kill myself?

Everyone’s reason for this is different, for me it was simple – Divorce. I’m not going to go too much into this but let’s start with a simple fact; it was my call to put an end to it. I could tell you where I was when I made that phone call and it is a phone call that, while writing this right now, I will regret forever. I was married with a 1-year-old daughter and we split for our reasons which I’ll not go into right now. Yeah, so we split up and it felt like my life was over, pointless. I felt like the ultimate failure. This might be different for a manly man (like myself of course!), but I always want to be married with kids – that is what I’d always dream of. I had the most perfect of upbringings and I just wanted to copy that and I failed after 1 and a half(ish) years of marriage. My parents are in their 45th year of marriage (well done Mum x). I didn’t meet Kate until I was 28 and she was, and still is the only women (apart from friends and family) that I’d ever said the magic words “I love you” to. Then our little moo (daughter) came along and I fear I will never feel such a high again. Fuck it – right here, right now, if Kate called and said I wanna try again, in a heartbeat, I’d be all over it. I still love her. I will always love her, and the thought of going through life without my girls next to me still…………. well brings me into floods of tears and now my parents are in and I don’t want them to see me crying so I’ll go for a ‘poo’(spent so much time in toilets crying) freshen myself up, get my favourite playlist on and go for a walk. A good cry and a good walk can make you feel so much better.

Peace and love (yeah I use that) x

I’m back at my laptop. Its facking raining ain’t it! So I’ll have a read and nap. I’ll hit post now. Yeah, that feels good too x

2 thoughts on “Here we go…

  1. Wow! You are extremely brave mate and I applaud you for baring your soul! I too have been through a divorce and it makes you question your own worth when you shouldn’t.. I have never been where you have but that is more of luck than anything, life deals some shitty cards but you have come through it slowly but sure…and if this blog helps just one person then you have achieved more than most, good luck matt and god bless xx

    Liked by 1 person

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